My first real heartbreak (aside from my little girl crush on Robbie, an older boy who lived down the street) was in high school. I broke up with my boyfriend (yes, I did the breaking) because I was interested in someone else. Hey, high school is a time to figure out what works for you! I was enjoying my senior year without being seriously attached but every time I saw my old boyfriend, I had pangs. I missed him. I really had loved him. And so, when one night he called and asked me to get back together, I said yes. And that’s when the bomb dropped. Less than a minute later, he said (and I’m quoting here), “Oh, I don’t really want to get back together. I just wanted to see if you would do it.” A real charmer, right?

I had some choice words for him – words I won’t share here. But really, I was embarrassed and my heart was broken. I felt like he’d taken my feelings and the 10 or so months we had been together, and kicked them down the street like you would a random pebble. The next day was hard. The day after hard still. But days and weeks later, things got less hard. Good, even. Better than they would’ve been if I would’ve stayed with someone who was willing to hurt me like that. But in the moment, during that phone conversation that left me heaving sobs so loudly my mom came into the room to see if I was actually dying, I never thought I would things would get better. Heartbreak sucks, plain and simple.

Because it’s something that we all have to deal with, I get a lot of questions from parents on how they can handle it when their teenagers are going through a hard break-up or the ups and downs of love. It’s one thing to handle heartbreak of your own, another when someone you love (like your kid or even a friend) is going through it. So when Claire Jeffreys emailed me about an article she was writing for parents on teen heartbreak, I had to talk to her. The resulting article, Spring Fling: How to Handle Your Teen’s First Heartbreak, is a must-read, both for you and your parents. Even if you’re not dealing with heartbreak right now, you will at some point. (Sorry, it’s true.) So forward your parents this article for safekeeping and when the time comes, remind yourself that it will get better. It’s hard, but you’ll be ok in the end and it’s not all bad. A lot of good things actually come out of heartbreak. For me, it was knowing that I didn’t want to date anyone who would treat me like that – even when we were breaking up. For Shakespeare, it was amazing poetry. For Bob Dillon, it was Blood on the Tracks. You get the idea.

I talked to Tracy Begland, writer for the Dallas Morning News last week, about non-techie ways parents can talk to their teens. If your mom or dad are getting a little friendly on Facebook (or twitter or tumblr), you might just want to forward them her hilarious and totally helpful article, Facebook Won’t Make You Friends With Your Kids. It’s an easy way to get your parents to take the hint while still keeping the lines of communication open.

So, when a big site like SheKnows.com says that BOYOLOGY and HOW TO RAISE YOUR PARENTS are in the top 5 books for teens/tweens, it means a lot. Parenting expert Melissa Chapman picked both of them in her recent list of top 15 books for preschoolers, kids and teens (they’re in the teen bracket, obviously). And her goal was to pick books that parents could get teens – that teens would actually like! So, this is like a double scoop of rocky road with a cherry on top (and a few chocolate sprinkles). It’s so exciting to have this recommendation from someone like Melissa and a big site like SheKnows, and even bigger that they say teens will like them. Yay!

Your Question:

Dear Reader,
Sometimes moms (well, all parents for that matter) know just how to embarrass you! You want to keep your period on the down-low but you know you’re mom, and you know that she’s probably going to make a big deal out of it. So how do you talk to her without her overreacting (even if it is in a positive way)?

Why don’t you try writing her a note to get the conversation started? You can take all the time you need to put your feelings and thoughts down, including the fact that you think she’s going to make a bigger deal out of this than you want her to. Be honest and tell her that you want to be able to talk to her, but you need her to be really low-key about it and help make the whole conversation more comfortable. Ask if you can set up a time when just the two of can talk about it (you might have some questions after all, and she’s been dealing with this for years). Then, suggest that when you do talk, you do it somewhere private, so you don’t have to worry about a little brother, your dad, or anyone else barging in. Be sure to leave the note on her pillow or in her makeup drawer – somewhere she’s sure to find it. After your mom gets your note, she’ll have a better sense of where you’re coming from. And she’ll probably even relate a little. Maybe she felt the same way with her mom!

The good side of talking to your mom is that she will have some advice (sometimes cramps and things like that run in the family, so she might really understand your symptoms and feelings) and ultimately make your period easier to handle. She’ll also be able to help keep your supplies well-stocked and make appointments with your doctor when you need them.

Use your note to set the tone of the conversation. Your mom will likely follow your lead. And don’t worry about feeling like this. Remember that it’s your period and it’s ok to feel like you don’t want it blown out of proportion.

Good luck!
xxx
Sarah

The article: No More Cooties! When Your Teen is Attracted to the Opposite Sex.

Your Question: I’m a generally a good person and a good girl. I don’t lie to my parents. I don’t really misbehave. My average in school is 104 and I rank #1. I have to be a physician. And I’ve never really had any interests in boys until my junior year. The guy’s name Mark and I’ve known him since freshmen year. He’s fit, and is really handsome with dimples to match. He’s 16 like me and he gets by in the institute with 85s and 90s but a lot of the time, he’s a kind of like a bad boy and is a little immature. He actually came to class with a hickey on his neck. I liked him but he found out and he asked me out but I said no because my parents doesn’t allow me to date until I’m out of high school. Now he asked me out again and said that he tied to impress me by getting 101 average, taking up music, joining sports teams and club. I didn’t know that he was pushing for me so much. I want to say yes so bad but I can’t lie to my parents and date him behind their backs. I haven’t talked to them about it, but they won’t let me date him. They’re really protective of me because I’ve had bone and lung cancer. What should I do? We’re both 16. And I really don’t want to stray from my studies.

Dear Reader,
The parent-boyfriend battle is almost like a time-honored tradition. I can’t tell you how many times I disagreed with my own parents about how old I should be when I started dating and which guys were right for me. Your parents just want to keep you safe. They still think of you as their little girl — even though you’re 16 now, with a totally normal and healthy interest in guys. The fact that you’re a lung cancer survivor is incredible! But it probably doesn’t lessen their need to keep you close to home. You’ve all been through a lot, and they want to make sure you’re OK.

Start things off slow with Mark. Become friends first and see how things go. By easing into things with him, you can also ease your parents in. If he’s your friend first, they’ll have a chance to get to know him, and you’ll have a chance to see if you’re really interested in a relationship. And, you can keep your studies in focus at the same time. Then, if you’re ready to take the leap into a more serious relationship, you’ll be ready — and you’ll be able to help your parents adjust. Timing and honesty are everything.

Just remember, life is really all about balance. You’re smart to think about your long-term priorities, but you also have to follow your heart, and there is a way to do both. Trust yourself, and you’ll be just fine.
xxx
Sarah

Teenreads.com – a great site for all things YA – just published my essay

It was raining the day my agent called to say Chronicle Books wanted to publish my first book. I remember, because immediately after she called, I found myself standing on a busy street in downtown New York City, shivering and dialing my parents’ house in Salt Lake. They were my first call–the book is titled HOW TO RAISE YOUR PARENTS: A Teen Girl’s Survival Guide, after all.

As luck would have it, my mom was just back from running errands and my dad had stopped home for lunch, so they were both on the phone when I broke the big news. It was fitting actually, considering the idea for this book was hatched while I was having a talk with my parents. Only this time, I wasn’t a teenager — and I wasn’t in trouble.

“Just don’t tell the world what bad parents we are,” my mom said, laughing, but I could hear the hesitation in her voice.

A few days later I got an e-mail from my dad, “This made me laugh and think of you. Love, Dad.” Attached was a Dan Piraro cartoon of two ragged parents at their author/daughter’s book signing. The bubble above their heads couldn’t have said it better: “Look, we’re SORRY. If we had known you were going to be a writer, we’d have been better parents!”

That settled it. My parents were terrified.

I imagine that most parents, even the most nearly perfect among them, would feel the same way. The thought of your family’s dirty laundry being aired in front of the world à la Augusten Burroughs probably isn’t what most parents have in mind when they think of leaving their history behind for posterity. Lucky for my mom and dad, my book isn’t that kind of book. It’s a parent-friendly advice book for teens, not a personal tell-all. For all our quirks, my family just doesn’t have enough dirt to make a good memoir. But try telling my parents that.

The fact that I conceived this book as a sixteen year old while being lectured about curfews probably didn’t help ease their minds. Yes, I was more than an hour late that night, but I couldn’t very well sit there quietly after I noticed the open parenting book on my mom’s nightstand — broken curfew or not, they were as clueless I was!

I figured the best way to convince them that my book wasn’t actually based on their parenting was to fill them in on the writing process. After finishing each new chapter, I would call home and casually slip what I thought were reassuring references to “the book” into our conversations.

“I finished the dating chapter today and it reminded me of that time I rented a movie with that guy and dad sat by us on the couch for the entire thing. Remember that?”

Pause.

“What about the first time I drove to the mall with you in the car? I thought you were going to hyperventilate!”

Pause. Pause.

“You guys really shouldn’t be worried. You know me better than anyone. Have I ever done anything to embarrass you?”

At this point the pauses were so long I could have driven the 2,174 miles home and arrived before either one of them offered a real response. My let’s-all-have-a-good-laugh-together theory wasn’t working. Maybe I had been a worse teenager than I remembered. Maybe the thought of reliving my teenage years was just that scary for them. I racked my brain trying to think if I’d ever come close to burning the house down.

And then the advance copies arrived.

For a new writer, holding your first book in your hands is a near-religious experience. I didn’t want to let it go, just in case the publisher changed its mind and this early copy was the only one ever printed; but at the same time, I was dying to share it with my mom and dad. I nearly choked when the woman behind the counter at the post office said the total for overnight delivery was $40. I could buy the complete series of “My So-Called Life” for that! But I forked over the cash after imagining waiting one more day for my parents’ final verdict.

Sure enough, the next afternoon, my cell phone rang and “Home” popped up on the caller ID. This was it. The moment of truth.

I shut my office door and clicked the green button. “Hi!” (Was I being overly cheery?)

My mom didn’t even offer a greeting before she launched in. I could hear my dad talking in the background.

“We were just laughing remembering that time the entire school showed up for your small birthday party and practically turned our basement into a mosh pit.”

(For the record, I remember that too, and the party was hardly reminiscent of a mosh pit, but my parents would say that’s my “teen interpretation.”)

“But you like it?”

“We love it. We’re so proud of you…”

There had to be more.

“And we can’t wait until you have teenagers.”

I didn’t say that at least my teenagers will have a copy of my book on hand. One thing I definitely learned as a teenager is knowing when to keep my mouth shut.

Did Britney start the short-skirt trend? No, it's been going on WAY longer than she has.

New York Daily News editor Rosemary Black interviewed me on Friday for a story she wrote (in today’s paper) called “The Battle of the Hemlines: Teens Stick up For Short Skirts.” We talked for a while about why fashion matters to teens and I kept thinking about it all weekend. Here are my thoughts in a nutshell:

It’s not just about looking good, it’s declaring yourself to the world. Fashion is such a visible way to make a statement and one of the few ways, as a teen, you have control over so you can say something. I remember coming down the stairs before school (many, many times) and having my mom raise her eyebrows and my dad say, “You are NOT going to school in that.” And I know this happens to a lot of my teen friends. Hemlines might be slightly shorter now, but things don’t change that much. We’ve all been there, haven’t we?

Be sure to check out the article and read about the teenagers in the UK who went on strike when their school declared NO MORE SHORT SKIRTS. Here’s a snippet:

Warned that their skirts were too short to wear to school, more than 100 British high school students decided they’d rather drop out for a day than drop their hemlines.

Last week, the students at Upton-by-Chester School in Chesire, England, organized a walkout on Facebook, reports the London Daily Mail, and proceeded to hold a “peaceful protest.”

At issue were the teensy skirts that head teacher Jane Holland said made male teachers walking behind the girls confused over “where to look.” Holland added that “despite repeated warnings, skirt lengths have got even more ridiculous.”

The students, rather than skirt the issue, aired their grievances in the school dining room as teachers listened, according to The Daily Mail, and then proceeded to hold their protest.

So what should win out — fashion, or old-fashioned values?

Tomorrow (Monday), I’m taping an interview on Oprah Radio‘s Dr. Laura Berman Show to talk about teen relationships and dating. Dr. Berman – who’s a mom, bestselling author, therapist (I could go on and on) – is taking the parent’s point-of-view and I’ll be representing teens, talking about everything from how cell phones have changed teen relationships to how to really talk to your parents. And before I go on, I want YOU to tell ME what matters to you when it comes to dating.

What’s your situation? What do you need to know and what do you want your parents to know?

Send your thoughts and questions my way and and I’ll take them to the Oprah Radio studio tomorrow. The show airs Tuesday, June 2nd, at 5:00pm and 11:00opm Eastern. And I’ll be twittering during the interview, so you can find me that way, too.

And then, Wednesday morning, I’m hitting the Today Show to be the teen voice with Dr. Michele Borba. I’ll take your questions there, too. REPRESENT!